Baby Needed

Needed: Baby to Borrow or Rent for Stern Grove Festival this Sunday 7/22

I am looking for a baby, aged 18 mos. to 4 years to accompany my friends and I to this weekend's Stern Grove concert. We have attended the festival these past two weekends and felt a growing sense of emptiness as we watched glowing adults fondle and play with their excited children while we were left fondling ourselves and our drunken companions. It seems a necessity for us, if we are to continue enjoying ourselves for the remaining Sundays this summer, that we inject some sort of dramatic catalyst into our routine concert-going activities and a baby seems the best form of injection.

If you are a parent of an eligible child or a baby with an extraordinary sense of independence, take the time to consider my proposition:

-- I am willing to pay a reasonable hourly rate, or at least put down a deposit of equal value to the child received.

-- I can promise to return the baby in better shape than you left it, perhaps not in a purely physical sense but rather in an experiential and educated way. In other words, he or she will return to you with a profound understanding of some of the more unique and colorful activities that San Francisco has to offer -- likely things you had never thought to teach your baby.

-- I can also promise that we will all be very nice and well-mannered with the baby. I feel confident in this promise as part of our weekly tradition is to "drop" certain substances that ensure loving and "deep" human interaction. The baby will receive complimentary back massages and repeated affirmation that it is amazing and loved. (Parents with poor genes needn't worry as we can guarantee that we will tell your baby that it is amazing and loved even if it isn't).

-- Also, any revenues garnered through sale or use of the baby will make their way back to the baby's proper owners minus an agreeable commission.

Now, before you start dialing my number, please note that we have specifications for the baby desired that are non-negotiable:

1) No white babies. I am white and it is important that the baby be distinguishable as one that is under my care but not the product of my seed (i.e. not my responsibility in the long-term). While I may use your baby to attract the attention of young females in the area, it is important that they recognize that while I am a sensitive guy that loves cute things like babies, our potential relationship will not be saddled with the obligations that a needy young child requires.

2) Also, while Korean and Iraqi/Irani babies may be fun and fashionable in 2006, I regret that we cannot accept their application as we do not wish to put forth the energy to protect them from other more Aryan or jingoistic babies in the park. If the baby can demonstrate a significant talent for self-defense, then we may reconsider.

3) Your baby must be cute! I cannot stress this enough. If the sight of your baby does not compel women to smile, wave or feel anxious about their own unfulfilled desire to have a baby, then we do not want it. I'm sure your baby is good for something, but not our purposes. Stay home and teach it to be funny or interested in science, perhaps.

4) The baby must have a vocabulary of 10-100 words. No more, no less. It is important that the baby acknowledge simple childish things that we may feel compelled to say to it but is not one of those babies that always wants to know things or has an awareness of how to properly communicate to us that it is uncomfortable or bored. We would rather operate on convenient assumption.

5) The baby must be open to wearing costumes of our choosing and potentially making several costume changes throughout the day. Every member of my party has their own cute little fantasies about what our baby should wear and it is only fair to allow each a moment or two to enjoy the fulfillment of their vision. The baby should do its best to act as if it loves being dressed up as Darth Vader or a panda bear or whatever it is we decide is most appropriate. Any complaints or "crying" should be reserved for the debriefing with the parents, at the end of the day.

Those qualified shouldn't hesitate to give me a call. I'm certain that this will be a rewarding experience for all of those involved. If I receive your offer, please be prepared to provide me with photos of the baby and relevant demographic information. I look forward to doing business with you!

Thanks,

Mike
253-376-1498